Why Seeking Closure After a Breakup Hurts More Than It Heals

Problem A: Will talking to my ex help me get closure and feel better?
Problem B: Why do I feel such an intense urge to talk to them for closure?
Problem C: Couldn’t closure help me heal faster if I just get it over with?
The Truth About Closure
FAQ
Sources

The first hours after a breakup feel like standing in the wreckage of a house you once called home. You’re disoriented, desperate for something solid to hold onto. In that chaos, the thought creeps in: Maybe if I just talk to them one last time, I’ll feel better. Maybe if I get answers, the pain will make sense.

It’s a natural impulse. But it’s also a dangerous one. The truth is, seeking closure after a breakup often traps you in more pain instead of setting you free.

Problem A: Will talking to my ex help me get closure and feel better?

It feels logical, doesn’t it? If the relationship ended with confusion, silence, or unanswered questions, surely a conversation will clear things up.

But the science says otherwise. A study following recently separated adults found that contact with an ex didn’t soothe—it worsened distress. Even brief meetings kept wounds raw, like scratching a scab that was trying to heal.

When you talk to an ex right after a breakup, you’re not stepping toward closure. You’re stepping back into the storm. Instead of resolution, you walk away replaying every word, obsessing over tone, and wondering what it all really meant.

Closure isn’t found in their answers—it’s lost in your overthinking.

Problem B: Why do I feel such an intense urge to talk to them for closure?

This urge is not weakness—it’s wiring. Psychologists call it the “need for closure,” the brain’s hunger for certainty when faced with uncertainty. After a breakup, your world is full of jagged edges and unanswered questions.

Your mind insists: If I just talk to them, I’ll know. Then I can move on.

But here’s the trap:

When that need is intense, people cling to any explanation—even if it’s vague or cruel.
An ex might say something like, “I just wasn’t happy,” and instead of clarity, you spiral.
That desperate conversation doesn’t soothe the craving for closure—it feeds it.

Instead of peace, you’re left circling the same unanswered questions, stuck between past and present.

https://releti.com/love/breakups/why-breakups-hurt-so-much-science-of-heartbreak

Breakup science guide—why heartbreak hurts and how to heal

Coping with the First Month After a Breakup

Let’s examine coping with the first month after a breakup in: Shock, Panic & implosion, Managing Daily Overwhelm (Survival Mode), The No-Contact Gauntlet, Emotional Outbursts – Rage, Crying & “What Is Wrong With Me” Moments, Coping Alone vs Reaching Out and Your First Glimpse of Hope

Tap here to read more →

Problem C: Couldn’t closure help me heal faster if I just get it over with?

It sounds efficient—rip the Band-Aid, get your answers, move on. But research shows the opposite. People with a high need for closure often feel worse after seeking it.

Ambiguity in rejection doesn’t calm the storm—it magnifies it. The very act of chasing closure from the person who left you deepens the wound.

Real closure doesn’t come from their words. It comes from your own:

Setting boundaries (no calls, no “one last coffee”)
Resisting the urge to reread old texts
Sitting with discomfort and trusting time

The Truth About Closure

The hardest truth is also the most freeing: your ex cannot give you closure. If they could, you wouldn’t be searching for it now.

Closure isn’t a conversation—it’s a decision. It’s the quiet choice to stop looking backward for answers and to start building peace from within.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s the only closure after a breakup you ever really needed.

FAQ

Q1. Does talking to your ex actually help you get closure after a breakup?

No. Studies show that talking to or meeting with an ex often increases emotional distress rather than resolving it.

Q2. Why do people feel the urge to reach out to their ex for closure?

The brain craves certainty after a breakup, a drive known as the ‘need for closure.’ This makes people want quick answers, but those answers are rarely satisfying.

Q3. What is real closure after a breakup?

Real closure doesn’t come from an ex—it comes from within. It means setting boundaries, resisting contact, and allowing time and self-reflection to bring peace.

Q4. How do you move on without closure from your ex?

You move on by focusing on self-directed healing: limiting or cutting off contact, leaning on supportive friends, journaling, and giving yourself permission to grieve.

Scientific Sources

O’Hara, K. L., et al. (2020): Contact with an ex-partner is associated with separation-related psychological distress
Key Finding: More frequent in-person contact with an ex predicted higher separation-related psychological distress two months later.
Why Relevant: Shows that seeking closure by meeting or talking with an ex worsens distress instead of resolving it.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7709927/
Kruglanski, A. W. & Webster, D. (1994): Individual differences in need for cognitive closure
Key Finding: People high in need for closure quickly seize on explanations and rigidly cling to them, reducing flexibility and prolonging distress.
Why Relevant: Explains why people strongly crave closure from an ex but end up stuck with unsatisfying answers.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Closure_(psychology)
Leckfor, D. E., et al. (2023): Need for closure magnifies emotional impact of ghosting or rejection
Key Finding: Individuals high in need for closure felt greater hurt and lower well-being when rejected or ghosted.
Why Relevant: Seeking closure can intensify rejection pain, making healing harder instead of easier.
https://phys.org/news/2023-02-closure-magnify-emotional-effect-ghosting.html